"My Slow Fade" By Greg Hernandez

There are a myriad of reasons as to why someone may decide to exit your life without telling you. The reasons range from avoiding a messy conflict, to finding this particular approach-the "slow fade," to be the most polite form of ending a relationship or a friendship. It is believed to be less painful then hearing the words, "We should see other people" and "I don't want to be friends anymore." It is less painful than seeing the person who blew you off for a second date last week, walk down the street toward you and act as if they did not see you. You stop them and begin to initiate a false conversation. They put on a facade of possessing a hectic lifestyle and being unable to accommodate you. It is less painful than breaking up over the phone. It is less painful than seeing your relationship status change on Facebook, or being blocked for that matter.

 I will not be writing about whether it is right or wrong to pull a “slow fade” on someone. Instead, I will be illustrating a potential result of it, so that others may see the consequences of the “slow fade” and think more deeply about it. Let's call it: Blogging it forward.

A “slow fade” is when a person emotionally tip-toes out of your life. Their final prestidigitation leaves you scratching your head and obsessing over how things went awry. Your emotional door is left open and the impending draft is set to wreak havoc on your mental health. Your equilibrium can easily be shattered without some form of closure to act as a quilt to keep you warm. When the door is finally slammed shut, the damage has already been done. You're permanently scarred. You've been lead on, deceived, and most of all abandoned. A living being left to find out it has been discarded, not replaced, but out of mind, is like a foul stench of melancholy engulfing a person.

The “slow fade” approach will possibly leave someone in an agonizing process of self-doubt in which one's ego crumbles through absurd second guessing, incessant replaying of events, and obstinately texting, calling, e-mailing and messaging the person who is evidently reluctant to respond. The whys repeatedly pierce your heart, not enough blood is being pumped to the brain to form an answer-you realize this logic is superfluous so you momentarily bow out of figuring the other person's reasoning out, before resuming a process that resembles that of a masochist. The thought of, “perhaps I'm being ignored,” begins to form. You call them on your house phone or from a payphone. No answer. This could be your biggest mistake or your epiphany. It merely depends on the situation and the corresponding people. One last question echoes your mind, “are they dead?” Who knows?
People say, it's not a “slow fade” at all-the “slow fade” title is asinine. It should be called the "BANG RECALL," because that is how the person truly leaves your life, with a bang! The noise, smoke and hole in your heart all linger. The person who left you without notice just pulled a drive by on your feelings, self-esteem and soul. I disagree. “Slow fade” is the appropriate name for this phenomenon. The bang occurs immediately, almost instinctively for the person who decides to pull the slow fade itself. Its effect is instantaneous. The weight is off. Sure, their thoughts will remain, but the responsibility has vanished. That person has checked out, while the other remains blissfully ignorant. When the other person begins to notice, well the bang occurs. What!?!? I have not heard from them in three days...my calls have not been returned...my texts have not been answered...I've left a voice message and am currently leaving another. A week passes. You start to look through your texts and Facebook messages to decipher which phrase, sentence, or word you could have possibly sent that might have caused them to exit out the back door of your life. That is the recall aspect. The pain is immense. Does the other person even care? Did they sashay out of my life? Are they testing me? Are they deceiving me? No. They need space. I will wait, but for how long?
If only you could know the thoughts of the person who withdrew from your life. Well, you're not a mind-reader. Their process of thinking will forever be elusive to you. The future cannot be altered. The past remains heavy like a giant cinder block tied around your neck. It weighs you down. You cannot think, your mind is a fog of past euphoria, heightened by the distinct certainty of the wrong; an error in your ways caused this pain, the fault must lie with you, because if not, then would it not take more courage to leave without saying good-bye? If this occurred after a date, you wonder about their safety; the worst scenarios enter your mind, the guilt over seeking recompense, yet at the very same time feeling wronged is ubiquitous. 

After a few days your rationale has all but deteriorated. If your resolve has remained strong, then anger may have consumed you. You may even wonder how you would feel if the person sat down and told you how they felt and what their intentions were. Without that action there is a hole; selfishness burrows away in your psyche. You're the victim. They are the abuser. They have forsaken you. That is how you may feel. The slow burning effect of one's empathy is a dark spectacle to behold. A tiny glimmer of hope disappearing as the hours, days, and weeks pass without any contact from the person. You've become hollow. Nothing can hurt you. You may never allow yourself to open up to someone like that again. Vulnerability is a sin to you. You safeguard your heart through an armor of sarcasm, toughness, indifference and lack of commitment. You refuse to hurt again. If you are “slow faded” once more, it will be different next time, for the first time, you were taken unawares. You've been baptized in forlornness. The next time, you will not despair. Next time, you will let them fade into oblivion. You walk with a grudge against the world; like an impecunious individual, for it gave birth to the circumstances which plague you so.

We avoid those we happen to see on the train. We turn our heads so they do not see our faces. We try our absolute best to avoid conversation with that particular person. If they see us and approach us we cringe; their slow walk from their current position toward us is agonizing. They stand or sit near us and begin a futile conversation. Nothing comes to fruition. Much to their chagrin they notice how awkward and painful it is for us to merely speak to them. They cut the conversation short and walk toward the other side of the car-never looking back-to sit, exhale and re-play what just happened. Reality sinks in. The “slow fade” is gone. We watch them walk away. Maybe we feel a hint of relief with a mixture of remorse.

Who knows what we feel in this life? We are so connected, yet loathe communication. We sever ties impassively...networking seems to keep us alive. We use people, who use us, for personal gain. It is all about reaching the top of our individual precipice. Along the climb we cast away all others who we deem unworthy of our time and company.