"Lexicon Change" By Greg Hernandez

Spring cleaning is near. Clean up your lexicon the right way-let go these phrases.

No, I will not be lecturing or reprimanding anyone that currently uses any of the following phrases. I am merely stating that perhaps you should begin to wean yourself of them, for the list that you are about to read is outdated. Yes, outdated-old, out of style, so last whatever year they first became known. These quotidian phrases have grown irksome. Its time to let em go, don't you think? Forget the judge and jury for a second, I'm the lawyer and here's my case.

1. SMH- "Shaking My Head." Look, I get it. You have a gauche friend who constantly makes fatuous statements and you just cannot help yourself to shake your head. Their loquaciousness justifies the motion of your physical reaction to their comments. Hell, the length of your friendship probably directly correlates with your neck pain.
   We all do it. We hear something completely asinine and go through the motion-drop your head, sigh, and shake your head from side to side. All I am asking is, do we really need to say it aloud? Typing it-I believe is a different matter. I say, more leeway should be given to typing it out in an online conversation. You want the person you're talking to to know what they just said made you face-palm and shake your head.
2. "I'm Busy"- Unless you gave up Facebook for Lent, you're not that busy. You could be working two jobs, in graduate school, in two plays that run concurrently-get it, you're not busy. In this age of instantaneous communication the "busy excuse" is all but extinct. Why? No one is truly busy enough to not respond to you in a timely manner (Minimum 48 hours), because if you are, then you're a monk or a nun. I speak from experience. My senior year of college was filled with various perturbations-being a Resident Assistant, Coaching a co-recreational football team, acting in two plays, Don Boro's class, having a girlfriend, and trying to balance a social life-that only accentuated the challenge of maintaining a respectable GPA. However, I did it.
   I got to know many of my residents on a personal level, I'm still good friends with my ex-girlfriend, I performed well in the two plays, I passed Boro's class, I kept many of my friends and made even more. Sure, I did not see many of my friends through out the hectic year, but the point is, when I did manage to see them-even if it was only 2-3 minutes max- I made the most of it. I did not kowtow to my busy schedule. It really is no excuse. Effective time management skills can ease an active schedule.
3. "He/She is Out of My League" I could just answer this with one word, "Bullshit," but I won't. Remember the film "Fight Club?" There is a special scene when Brad Pitt's character-Tyler Durden- is talking to his disciples about how none of them are special. Check it out.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4X2AvfSTi6Q  Yes, we're all unique, but not really. I advise loving yourself and feeling that nice hint of hubris in your system. Whenever someone tells you that someone is out of your league, please do this: Scoff, finish your drink, walk toward said person and commence flirting, get their number, and if you should fail, please strut back and tell your friend, it was that person's loss, not mine.
4. "I'm Broke"As we all know the oligarchy has always been the norm. So, to those impecunious individuals I say this, start from the bottom and slowly rise. Take which ever job you can. Whether you're a bum on a street or a young adult straight out of college-find a way to get your foot through that door for a job interview. Sure, the government takes care of the homeless- to some degree, most of them end up back on the streets, but very few do make it out of the homeless bubble, for those that don't, well, there is just no saving the damned. Now, for those who are not homeless, get the ball rolling. Get a friend to look over your resume and cover letter. Start mass applying to jobs, yes, network with friends to get the best options. Iron your clothes, dress business like and get the hell out of your house! Oh, if you're 25 and in need of a job, read my old blog post- http://bingfuse.blogspot.com/2014/02/25-and-in-need-of-better-job-run-for.html
5. "Buddy" When a man calls me this, I immediately assume he is mocking me, unless he is from Europe or South America. Regardless, the word, "buddy" is emblematic of what a serious friendship should be-buddies. Now, if we're still in that probationary period of our friendship 3 months or less, try not to let that word slip out of your mouth, because chances are someone will laugh, ask you to repeat what you said then laugh again when you eventually do, or get upset. Women laugh and men tend to get upset. Nothing is funnier when two men call each other buddies. It is only said when one man is trying to serve as the others alibi.
   In New York City buddy is a dangerous word. Yeah, buddy, buddy is a word not to use unless you're about to fight someone. "Hey buddy, move it or lose it! I'm walking here, out of my way! Move buddy! Hey buddy stop being such an asshole!"
   See what I mean? In New York "buddy" is a derogatory word, believe me.
6. "It's the least I can do" Speaking of assholes and shaking your head. This phrase is beyond jejune. Sure, you want to look helpful. Look, but not really be. Its all on the surface. The very least I can do to help is a preposterous statement. Why? The natural response when someone  utters the phrase is to call their bluff and give them as much work to help out with as possible. So for all of your future experiences, refrain from saying this! Instead, say, "what can I help out with?" If you're lucky the person may say nothing or may only be able to think of the bare minimum for you to do. If you're unlucky then that person can recite a whole list of things for you to do for them. If you're the guilty type who feels obligated to help out. Well, I cannot help you.
7. "YOLO" I saved this one for last because its my favorite one. I fell in love with this phrase ever since this happened: http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/09/19/aspiring-rapper-drunk-tweets-yolo-just-before-fatal-car-crash/
    As I've previously said, you cannot save the damned. In this age of precipitous actions that prove to be fatal one can only look at the irony of such an obvious phrase. Yes, we only live once, so live your life as recklessly as possible and live to the fullest and die as young as possible. I have friends who yell this phrase when partying, which I find to be hilarious. Others take it too far and it becomes quite sad.